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Here's the quiz you must take in order to be Home Run Derby-certified. You must get a perfect score before you can officially play with us.

For each question, more than one answer may be correct. We have thrown in a couple of essay questions at the end because we want to make sure we are not playing with illiterates and random guessers. Home Run Derby players must be eloquent and articulate.

Take the quiz on a piece of scratch paper and check your answers after you finish. Don't cheat.

1. If Rob is pitching to you and his pitching is shit, you may: a) Swing at anything. b) Bitch at Rob to give you better pitches. c) Throw your bat at him and call him a homosexual. d) Dance a little jig. 2. If you don't like someone you are playing with, you may: a) Make him permanent shagger. b) Make sure the shithead never plays again so that his stats don't officially count. c) Dance a little jig. d) Do the adult thing and tell him you hate his guts. 3. According to the rules, which of the following situations results in a home run? a) Jeff's pitch bounces, but Rob swings anyway and drives the ball over the centerfield fence. b) Rob hits a ball that caroms off a light pole in the middle of the court and passes over the leftfield wall. c) Rob gets pissed at Matt and throws him over the rightfield wall. d) Mitch's line drive hits Jon's back so hard that Jon can no longer play Home Run Derby. The ball then falls to the ground next to Jon. 4. Rob hits 21 home runs in the top of a round, setting the record. When Jeff is up later in the round, the lights go out and the round is not completed. Despite Rob's best efforts to hijack the power box and get the lights back on, the game is called and Jeff gets to listen to Rob bitch all the way home. We should: a) Be nice to Rob and count the round so that he has the record. b) Screw Rob, don't count the round, and make a meaningless notation somewhere explaining what could have been. Listen to him bitch about it for years. c) Erase all of the stats in Home Run Derby history and start over. d) Suspend play and continue the round another day so that Rob can keep his record. 5. With 8 outs in the round, Jeff hits a line drive that clears the fence over a designated foul pole. Jeff thinks it's fair. Rob thinks it's foul. They should: a) Fight. b) Erase all of the stats in Home Run Derby history and start over. c) Replay it as a Do-Over. d) Replay it with Double Jeopardy. 6. Desperate to put up some big numbers, Jon uses a bat 6 feet long and 3 feet thick. We should: a) Call Jon a little girl and beat him with his own bat. b) Let him swing and see what he can do. c) Tell him he can't play with us unless he chooses another bat. d) Give him an official warning and tell him to bring a better bat next time. 7. Jeff thinks it would be cool to go to the tennis courts in hurricane-force winds and play a few rounds of Home Run Derby. Rob should: a) Let him go play by himself. b) Go out there and see what happens. c) Convince Jeff that they should stay in and play with their Home Run Derby statistics instead. d) Do a standing backflip. 8. How many home runs in a single round would it take to finish with an average of .900? a) 1 b) 9 c) 90 d) It's impossible! 9. Rob and Jeff keep hitting foul balls which roll into the street and down a storm drain. With only 1 ball left, they should: a) Get the ball after every swing and keep playing. b) Save the one ball they have left and go home. c) Lift up the grating, climb into the sewer, and retrieve the lost balls. d) Go to Academy and buy more balls so that they can continue their round without further interruption. 10. Which of the following would be cool places to play Home Run Derby? a) The Grand Canyon. b) Behind a fraternity house. c) Hell. d) On a baseball field. 11. Matt hits a weak fly ball and sees that Jeff will make the easy catch. In an effort to distract Jeff, Matt starts screaming insults and throws the bat at Jeff's legs. Jeff drops the ball. What is the correct ruling? a) Nothing. It counts as 1 out and Jeff is a chump for allowing himself to be distracted. b) Matt is penalized with 2 outs for interference, regardless of whether or not Jeff catches the ball. Jeff may then punch Matt in the face. c) Matt is penalized with 2 outs for interference and then must play the rest of the day without his shorts or underwear. d) Rob throws Matt over the rightfield fence. 12. In 50 words or less, share what you can contribute to the game of Home Run Derby. 13. In 50 words or less, describe the feeling you will get when you break Jeff's single-round record of 28 home runs.

Congratulations. Now it's time to check your answers.